This started a a journal entry and once I had set the words free I felt like sharing it might help anyone who's emotions feel conflicted right now.
Every time I host a workshop I ask everyone to think of a word that best describes how they feel. So rarely we check in with ourselves and the moment to think and the word chosen is really telling. It also means I get check in with myself. Tumultuous is the word that best describes how I feel at the moment. My thoughts and feelings are loud. I'm full of confusion. In a period of change and uncertain how I’m going to get through it.
I’ve learnt so much about myself this past few years, have done some real ‘work’ and feel the most authentic version of me. Someone who is prepared to try, to fail and to feel. I guess this is why I’m writing this. I want to share how I’m feeling so if you’re feeling the same way you know you’re not alone. I asked on a recent Instagram story if people struggled to connect with joy. I was shocked to see that 86% of people felt that they couldn’t. It made me feel sad but when I thought about it a little more deeply it makes perfect sense to me, because depending on what day I was asked, maybe I would have said no. Just lately I’ve felt like joy is on the other side of a glass wall, I can see it, but I can’t feel it.
My journey through grief can feel like a bit of secret life sometimes. Private moments, triggers and feelings that I hide from the world, sometimes even from myself. When I started TGHC I didn’t think much about the fact it would be a business one day, or that I was creating something where I was so at the centre of it. I’m getting used to being the face of things because gratitude is a very lived experience for me and it’s important you know I’m a regular person trying to put some goodness out in the world and seeing where that leads. I recognise there are many points of the year where I find this harder.
Right now, I feel so many emotions. They range from extreme pride for all I’ve achieved in Olive’s name, to at the same time I wishing I could give it all up in a second to be with her again. I feel incredibly enthused and motivated by all the work I’ve been doing in our local community, but at the same time I wish I could pause it for a moment. I feel so excited about the future but also scared and confused by it. I feel calm but frustrated, happy and sad, broken but grateful. Such a mixture of things, I could smile, cry, laugh, scream at any given moment.
I guess it’s important to remember that we should embrace the whole spectrum of emotions. The textures of life. I’m learning to welcome them all in and give them the space they need just to be. Letting the tears flow and not being afraid of when or who they may fall on. Showing that there can be such strength in vulnerability and remembering we are designed to feel. I wore a mask to hide my grief for many years and it was so unbelievably draining. I hope this encourages you to put yours down for a moment, speak your truth, own your story and accept that we are complex beings full of emotion.
Thank you allowing me the space to share and for all the kindness that comes with you being here. What you see with TGHC isn’t some well thought out plan. It's often me sharing my thoughts as I process them and being here if you think I or gratitude can help you.
I hope if you are on you're own grief journey it is gentle and if I can help in anyway - please reach out.
Love + Gratitude
P.s Olive’s anniversary is on 10th August and it will be 8 long years without her. I’m sure things will remain a little tumultuous until then. Expect inconsistent posting, more sombre thoughts, the odd spelling mistake, less of me in front of the camera and a social media break at some point. Basically, whatever it takes to get through it.